Between the Ideal and the Real – Before and After the Wedding

I can also give the reason why this our language is called the Holy Language. It should not be thought that this is, on our part, an empty appellation or a mistake; in fact it is indicative of true reality. For in this holy language no word at all has been laid down in order to designate either the male or the female organ of copulation, nor are there words designating the act itself that brings about generation, the sperm, the urine, or the excrements. No word at all designating, according to its first meaning, any of these things has been laid down in the Hebrew language, they being signified by terms used in a figurative sense and by allusions…

The matter is not like the Rabbi (Rambam) thought in his Guide to the Perplexed, where he praised Aristotle for his statement that the sense of touch is a shame for us. God forbid! The matter is not like the Greek has said, for his Greek intellect has a trace of heresy that cannot be detected, for had he believed that the world was created from nothing with [Divine] intention, this godless Greek would not have said such a thing. But all masters of Torah believe that God created everything according to His wisdom, and He did not create anything which would be [inherently] shameful or disgusting. For were one to say that “unifying” is shameful matter, then the sexual organs are shameful organs. Now God, may He be praised, created them with His word… Now if the sexual organs were shameful, how did God create something that is lacking or is shameful?! – God forbid! Rather the acts of God are perfect, as it says, “The Rock, His ways are perfect” (Devarim 32). And it says, “And God saw all that He had done, and behold it was very good.” (Breishit 1)…

And the same way that with any limb there is praise when it does good, and there is embarrassment when it does evil, so it was with Adam and his sexual organs… There is not in any of a person’s organs, based on how it was created, anything lacking or disgusting, for it was all created with supernal wisdom, fit and good and pleasant. But it is the person, being foolish, who brings disgusting elements to something that was free of any disgusting thing originally. Understand this well.

ב. בחיוב עונה – כל קירוב (חבוב) חבוק ונישוק. החזו”א התיר להרהר באשתו טהורה משום קרובה, וצריך לעשות כל שהאשה מתאוה (בשם החזו”א זצ”ל) וע”כ ישכב עם אשתו בקירוב בשר ובחיבוק ונישוק כרבע שעה לפני החיבור, זה באופן רגיל. אך אם הוא מחומם וחושש שיצא הזרע ח”ו ימהר. ואחר החיבור ישכב עם אשתו משך חצי שעה כי בזה יש לה הנאה מרובה יותר מעצם המעשה…

ממרן בעל הקהלות יעקוב שליט”א

תשרי תשל”ד

2. The Obligation – all forms of contact (intimacy or “intimate contact”), touch, and kissing are included. The Hazon Ish allows a man to have sexual thoughts for his wife (when she is not a niddah) for the sake of becoming physically intimate with her, and a man must do all that his wife desires (in the name of the Hazon Ish). Thus, he should lie with his wife together naked with touching and kissing for approximately a quarter of an hour before intercourse – this is under normal circumstances. But if he is already sexually excited and concerned that he will ejaculate prematurely, God forbid, then he should speed up (the foreplay). And after intercourse, he should lie with his wife for a half-hour, because this will give her greater pleasure than the act itself…

From the Steipler Rav, author of Khilot Yaakov
Tishrei 5734 (1973)

“Why have you no head-dress?” asked he. ‘

“Because I am not married,” was the reply.

Thereupon he [R. Huna] turned his face away from him. “See to it that you do not appear before me [again] before you are married,” said he. R. Huna was thus in accordance with his views. For he said: “He who is twenty years of age and is not married spends all his days in sin.” In sin – can you really think so? But say, spends all his days in sinful thoughts.

Rava said, and the School of R. Ishmael taught likewise: Until the age of twenty, the Holy One, blessed be He, sits and waits, asking, “When will he take a wife?” As soon as one attains twenty and has not married, He exclaims, Blasted be his bones!

Rav Hisda said: The reason that I am superior to my colleagues is that I married at sixteen. And had I married at fourteen, I would have said to Satan, An arrow in your eye.

רבי יצחק ורבי אמי אמרי: כאילו שופך דמים שנאמר (ישעיהו נ”ז) הנחמים באלים תחת כל עץ רענן שוחטי הילדים בנחלים תחת סעיפי הסלעים, אל תקרי שוחטי אלא סוחטי.

רב אסי אמר: כאילו עובד עבודת כוכבים, כתיב הכא תחת כל עץ רענן וכתיב התם (דברים יב) על ההרים הרמים ותחת כל עץ רענן…

[ע”ב] אמר רב: המקשה עצמו לדעת יהא בנדוי, ולימא אסורִ דקמגרי יצה”ר אנפשיה.

ורבי אמי אמר: נקרא עבריין, שכך אומנתו של יצר הרע, היום אומר לו עשה כך, ולמחר אומר לו עשה כך, ולמחר אומר לו לך עבוד עבודת כוכבים ־ והולך ועובד.

איכא דאמרי, אמר רבי אמי: כל המביא עצמו לידי הרהור אין מכניסין אותו במחיצתו של הקב”ה, כתיב הכא (בראשית ל”ח) וירע בעיני ה’ וכתיב התם (תהלים ה’) כי לא אל חפץ רשע אתה לא יגורך רע.

ואמר ר’ אלעזר: מאי דכתיב (ישעיהו א’) ידיכם דמים מלאו ־ אלו המנאפים ביד. תנא דבי רבי ישמעאל: (שמות כ’) לא תנאף ־ לא תהא בך ניאוף, בין ביד בין ברגל.

R. Isaac and R. Ammi said. He is as though he shed blood, for it is said in Scripture: “You that inflame yourselves among the terebinths, under every leafy tree, that slay the children in the valleys under the clefts of the rocks” (Isa. 57:5) read not ‘that slay’ but ‘that squeeze out’.

R. Assi said: He is like one who worships idols; for here it is written, ‘Under every leafy tree’ and elsewhere it is written: “Upon the high mountains . . . and under every leafy tree.” (Deut. 12:12)…

[13b] Rav stated: ‘A man who wilfully causes an erection should be placed under the ban’. But why did he not say, ‘This is forbidden’? Because the man merely incites his evil inclination against himself.
R. Ammi, however, stated: He is called a transgressor, because such is the art of the evil inclination: To-day it incites man to do one wrong thing, and to-morrow it incites him to worship idols and he proceeds to worship them.

There are others who read: R. Ammi stated, He who excites himself by lustful thoughts will not be allowed to enter the division of the Holy One, blessed be He. For here it is written, Was evil in the sight of the Lord, and elsewhere it is written, For Thou art not a God that hath pleasure in wickedness; evil shall not sojourn with Thee. (Ps. 5:5).

R. Eleazar stated: Who are referred to in the Scriptural text, “Your hands are full of blood?” (Isa. 1:15) Those that commit masturbation with their hands. It was taught at the school of R. Ishmael, “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (Ex. 20:13) implies, Thou shalt not practice masturbation (lit., adultery) either with hand or with foot.

R. Hisda said in the name of Mar Ukba: One who slanders deserves to be stoned with stones. It is written here: ‘”Him atzmit [will I destroy],” and it is written there: “tzametu [they have cut off] my life in the dungeon, and have cast stones upon me.” Further did R. Hisda say in the name of Mar Ukba: Of him who tells lashon ha’rah, the Holy One, blessed be He, says: He and I cannot live together in the world…

R. Aha b. R. Hanina said: If he has slandered already, there is no remedy for him, for King David, in his holy spirit, has cut him off already, as it is said: “May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, the tongue that speak great [proud] things!”…

The School of R. Ishmael taught: Whoever speaks slander increases his sins even up to [the degree of] the three [cardinal] sins: idolatry, incest, and the shedding of blood… In the West [land of Israel] they say: The talk about third [persons] kills three persons: him who tells [the slander], him who accepts it, and him about whom it is told.

Come and see, it is written “Woe to the wicked” – since it says “Woe to the wicked” why did it also have say “evil (ra)”? But it is as I have said – for he has made himself evil, and it says that “Evil will not dwell with You”. For all will go up [from Gehinom] but he will not go up. You may ask: what about other sinners who have murdered people? Come and see – all of those will go up and he will not go up. For what reason? They have killed other people (“the sons of another man”), but he has killed his own sons and has spilled much blood.
Come and see, regarding other sinners of the world it does not write, “It was evil in the eyes of God,” and here it writes, “it was evil in the eyes of God what he did.” For what reason [was it evil]? As it writes: “and he wasted [his seed] on the ground.”

We have taught – Rabbi Yehudah said: There is no sin in the world that one cannot do teshuva for, with the exception of this one, and there is no sinner that does not see the face of the Shekhina except for this one, as it is written, “Evil will not dwell with you” – at all. Said Rabbi Yitzchak, praised are the righteous in this world and in the world to come. It is written, “And your nation is fully righteous, they shall inherit the land forever.” (Is. 60). What is meant “they will inherit the land forever”? Said Rabbi Yehudah, as it is written, “I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.” (Ps. 115).

Woe to me. For instead of the good thoughts through which I could have created holy angels which would be my defense attorneys and good intercessors on my behalf, in their stead I have created destroyers to bring injury upon myself, as it is written, “And I will remonstrate him with the staff of people and with the afflictions of the sons of man-Adam”.

You have created for me eyes, and with them the power of site to see with them what is written in your Torah and to sanctify them with looking at matters of holiness, and You commanded us in Your Torah, “And you shall not stray after your hearts and after your eyes.” Woe to me, for I have followed my eyes and impurified them with all matters of impurity…

[ב] אלו שמנאפים ביד ומוציאים שכבת זרע, לא די להם שאיסור גדול הוא, אלא שהעושה זה בנידוי הוא יושב ועליהם נאמר: ידיכם דמים מלאו (ישעיה א, טו) וכאלו הרג הנפש.

[2] Those who commit adultery with their hands (i.e., who masturbate) and emit their seed for naught, beyond the fact that this is a great transgression, they also must sit under the ban, and regarding them the verse says, “Your hands are filled with blood” (Is. 1:15), and it is as if they have committed murder.

(ט) וַיֵּדַע אוֹנָן כִּי לֹּא לוֹ יִהְיֶה הַזָּרַע וְהָיָה אִם בָּא אֶל אֵשֶׁת אָחִיו וְשִׁחֵת אַרְצָה לְבִלְתִּי נְתָן זֶרַע לְאָחִיו:

(י) וַיֵּרַע בְּעֵינֵי ה’ אֲשֶׁר עָשָׂה וַיָּמֶת גַּם אֹתוֹ:

9. And Onan knew that the seed would not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

10. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also.

ולא תתורו אחרי לבבכם – מכאן אמר רבי: אל ישתה אדם בכוס זה ויתן עיניו בכוס אחר. אמר רבינא: לא נצרכא אלא דאפילו ב’ נשיו.

וברותי מכם המורדים והפושעים בי – אמר רבי לוי: אלו בני תשע מדות, בני אסנ”ת משגע”ח: בני אימה, בני אנוסה, בני שנואה, בני נידוי, בני תמורה, בני מריבה, בני שכרות, בני גרושת הלב, בני ערבוביא, בני חצופה.

איני? והאמר רבי שמואל בר נחמני אמר רבי יונתן: כל אדם שאשתו תובעתו – הויין לו בנים שאפילו בדורו של משה רבינו לא היו כמותם, שנאמר: הבו לכם אנשים חכמים ונבונים, וכתיב: ואקח את ראשי שבטיכם ולא כתיב נבונים, וכתיב: יששכר חמור גרם, וכתיב: מבני יששכר יודעי בינה לעתים! ההיא דמרציא ארצויי.

“And that ye seek not after your own heart.” [Deducing] from this Rabbi taught: One may not drink out of one goblet and think of another. Rabina said: This is necessary only when both are his wives.

“And I will purge out from among you the rebels, and them that transgress against me.” R. Levi said: This refers to children belonging to the following nine categories: children of fear, of outrage, of a hated wife, one under a ban, of a woman mistaken for another, of strife, of intoxication [during intercourse], of a mentally divorced wife, of promiscuity, and of a brazen woman.

But that is not so: for did not R. Samuel b. Nahmani say in the name of R. Jonathan: One who is summoned to his marital duty by his wife will beget children such as were not to be found even in the generation of Moses? For it is said, “Take you wise men, and understanding ;” and it is written, “So I took the chiefs of your tribes, wise men and known” but ‘understanding’ is not mentioned. But it is also written, “Issachar is a large-boned donkey” while elsewhere it is written, “And of the children of Issachar, which were men that had understanding of the titles?” — [It is virtuous] only when the wife ingratiates herself [with her husband].

ורמינהו, שאלו את אימא שלום: מפני מה בניך יפיפין ביותר? אמרה להן: אינו מספר עמי לא בתחלת הלילה ולא בסוף הלילה אלא בחצות הלילה, וכשהוא מספר מגלה טפח ומכסה טפח, ודומה עליו כמי שכפאו שד; ואמרתי לו: מה טעם? ואמר לי: כדי שלא אתן את עיני באשה אחרת, ונמצאו בניו באין לידי ממזרות! לא קשיא: הא במילי דתשמיש, הא במילי אחרנייתא.

But this contradicts the following: Imma Shalom (R. Eliezer’s wife) was asked: Why are thy children so exceedingly beautiful? She replied: [Because] he [my husband] ‘converses’ with me neither at the beginning nor at the end of the night, but [only] at midnight; and when he ‘converses’, he uncovers a handbreadth and covers a hand breadth, and is as though he were compelled by a demon. And when I asked him, What is the reason for this [for choosing midnight], he replied, So that I may not think of another woman, lest my children be as bastards. — There is no difficulty: this refers to conjugal matters; the other refers to other matters.

[ד] אסור להסתכל באותו מקום, שכל המסתכל שם אין לו בושת פנים, ועובר על: והצנע לכת (מיכה ו, ח)… ועוד דקא מגרה יצר הרע בנפשיה, וכל שכן הנושק שם, שעובר על כל אלה ועוד, שעובר על: בל תשקצו את נפשותיכם.

[4] It is forbidden for a man to look in “that place” for whoever looks in “that place” has no shame, and he transgresses “You shall walk modestly”…and additionally he incites the evil inclination on himself, and all the more so one who kisses thre transgresses all of these and also transgresses: “You shall not make your souls detestable.”

הגה: ויכול לעשות עם אשתו מה שירצה, בועל בכל עת שירצה ומנשק בכל אבר שירצה, ובא עליה בין כדרכה בין שלא כדרכה, או דרך אברים ובלבד שלא יוציא זרע לבטלה (טור). ויש מקילין ואומרים שמותר שלא כדרכה אפילו אם הוציא זרע, אם עושה באקראי ואינו רגיל בכך (גם זה טור בשם ר”י).

ואע”פ שמותר בכל אלה, כל המקדש עצמו במותר לו קדוש יאמרו לו (דברי הרב).

ולא ירבה בתשמיש להיות מצוי אצלה תמיד, שדבר זה פגום הוא מאד ומעשה בורות הוא, אלא כל הממעט בתשמיש ה”ז משובח, ובלבד שלא יבטל עונה אלא מדעת אשתו.

ואף כשישמש בשעת העונה לא יכוין להנאתו, אלא כאדם הפורע חובו שהוא חייב בעונתה, ולקיים מצות בוראו בפריה ורביה, ושיהיו לו בנים עוסקים בתורה ומקיימי מצות בישראל.

ולא יבעול אלא מרצונה, ואם אינה מרוצה יפייסנה עד שתתרצה. ויהיה צנוע מאד בשעת תשמיש…

Rema: And he may do with his wife what he wants – he may have sex at any time that he wants, he may kiss any body part that he wants, and he may have sex with her whether in the natural way or in the non-natural way, or whether by way of limbs as long as he does not spill his seed to waste (Tur). And there are those who are lenient and say that it is permissible in the non-natural way, even if he ejaculates, if he does this only occasionally and not as a habitual practice.

And although all such behavior is permissible, whoever sanctifies himself in permissible realms, “holy” will he be called.

And he should not have sex too much, to be with his wife constantly, for this matter is very damaging and an act of fools, but rather whoever limits the amount that he has sex is to be praised, provided that he does not negate his obligation of onah without his wife’s permission.

And even when he has sex at the time of onah he should not intend for his own pleasure, but like a person who is paying a debt, because he is obligated in her onah, and to fulfill the commandment of his Creator to procreate, and that he should have sons to learn Torah and fulfill the mitzvoth among the Jewish people.

He should only have sex with her agreement, and if she is not interested, he must appease her until she agrees. And he should be very modest at the time of sex…