Originally published in Routledge International Handbook of Sex Therapy and Religion on the Jewish Approach to Sex and Sexuality
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Introduction
When observant Jewish men and women think about sex and sexuality, they often carry with them a complex tapestry of messages from their religious upbringing. Their commitment to Jewish law (halakha) means that many aspects of their intimate lives are guided by clear religious principles and traditions that have been passed down for thousands of years.
However, like many religious traditions, the messages observant Jews receive about sexuality aren’t always balanced. While Judaism contains deeply positive teachings about marital intimacy, it’s often the negative messages that ring loudest. Many men struggle with religious guilt around masturbation and pornography. Women sometimes receive messages that they should downplay or hide their sexuality. Most observant couples enter marriage with little to no sexual experience. Even within a marriage, Jewish law can be interpreted as placing many restrictions on how a husband and wife should be having sex with one another.
Yet when understood in its fuller context, Jewish law can actually teach a profoundly sex-positive approach to marital intimacy, one that celebrates the giving and receiving of pleasure between spouses and views sexual connection as sacred. In what follows, we explore these different perspectives within Jewish tradition and reflect how they shape the intimate lives of observant couples today.
Attitudes Towards Sexuality in Judaism
Two Camps
Throughout Jewish history, two distinct attitudes toward sex and sexuality have emerged, each reflecting different values and priorities. One school of thought views sexual pleasure, even within marriage, as something that can distract from a higher, spiritual life. This perspective, influenced by Rambam{1-3} and reflected in the legal codes of the Shulchan Arukh,{4} sees sex as valuable only in potential to produce children.
Those who follow this approach believe that even married couples should limit how often they have sex and try to minimize their focus on pleasure during intimacy and are encouraged to think about the mitzvot of marital sex and of procreation. Some rabbis following this philosophy even advise engaged couples who aren’t ready for children to postpone marriage rather than marry and use birth control, since they believe marital sex should always be oriented toward procreation.
The other perspective sees marital sex as inherently good and sacred. Rather than viewing physical pleasure as a distraction, this approach celebrates how sexual intimacy brings couples together, creating deep bonds of connection that strengthen their marriage.
This view, expressed beautifully by Ramban (Nahmanides), sees the sexual union as the very “glue” that holds a marriage together.{5-7} Importantly, this celebratory approach is actually the dominant perspective in the Talmud, which speaks warmly about sexual pleasure within a marriage and permits all forms of consensual sexual activity between spouses.{8-11} Although the restrictive approach has had a significant impact on traditional Jewish thought and attitudes, the Talmud’s positive tone should actually be seen as the normative Jewish approach and has in fact received more emphasis from a number of poskim in recent years.
In appreciating the Talmud’s approach, it is important to distinguish between sex and sexual pleasure, on the one hand, and sexual desire, on the other. While the Talmud has an affirming view of sexual pleasure within a marriage, it does take issue with male lust and desire in the general sense, which, if not channeled properly within the marital context, can lead to a variety of potential sins: masturbation, adultery, or sex with a prostitute. It is precisely these concerns that, from the Talmud’s perspective, demand a positive approach to sex and sexual pleasure within marriage.
Terminology
The Torah itself uses various terms: “biah” (entering into), “ba’al” (to husband), “shekhivah” (to lie with), or “li’galot erva” (to uncover the nakedness, used specifically for forbidden sexual acts). In contrast with some of these more negative or graphic terms, the Talmud generally refers to sex as “tashmish ha’mitah” (literally, “use of the bed”), which remains common in Orthodox circles today. Speaking more to a central value of marital sex, the early chapters of Genesis describe sex between spouses as “yedia“- knowing. This suggests not just physical intimacy, but profound emotional and spiritual connection. We also find in Ramban the term “chibbur,” that is, the joining together of husband and wife.
While Rambam claims that a lack of explicit sexual language makes Hebrew the “holy tongue,” in reality, there is a downside to the constant avoidance of direct terms. The exclusive use of euphemisms and coded phrases for sex and the sexual organs can sometimes lead to thinking about sex as something shameful and provoke resistance to speaking openly about sexual issues with one’s spouse or doctor.
Heteronormativity and Male Point of View
It should be noted that the Torah and traditional Jewish texts are heteronormative. They assume a world in which natural sexual attraction exists only between man and woman and see marriage as the bringing together of man and woman as “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). They are also androcentric, that is, they assume a male point of view. This is reflected in how such texts discuss all matters, including sexual issues. The focus tends to be on male desires, male obligations, and male experiences, and female sexuality receives little attention compared to men’s.
Biblical Sexual Prohibitions (Arayot)
In the Torah portions of Aharei Mot and Kedoshim in Vayikra, the Torah outlines various sexual prohibitions, including incest, adultery, and having sex with a woman during her period of menstruation (niddah) (more on niddah later on).
Adultery is defined as a man “taking another man’s wife” (Lev. 18:20), that is, sex between a man and a married woman who is not his wife. Because the Torah assumes a polygamous society, it wouldn’t technically be adultery for a married man to have sex with an unmarried woman, although to do so now, in today’s monogamous society, would be seen as a serious religious and ethical violation, and an act of betrayal against of one’s spouse.
Among these prohibitions is a verse forbidding anal intercourse between men: “You shall not lie with a man as one lies with a woman” (Lev. 18:22). It’s worth noting that this prohibition specifically addresses one particular sexual act between men, not other forms of sexual activity, homosexual desire, or sexual identity more broadly. Nor does it address sex between two women, since the Torah is primarily concerned with intercourse as defined as penile penetration. Later, the Talmud describes sex between two women as “mere licentious behavior” (Yevamot 76a), without giving it any legal weight, although Rambam would eventually include it in a more generic prohibition.
Life Before Marriage
Masturbation and Sexual Thoughts
Traditional Jewish teaching prohibits masturbation for boys and men, with the Talmud deriving this rule from the biblical story of Onan, who “spilled [his seed] on the ground” (Gen. 38:9). Poskim debate whether this prohibition is of a Biblical or Rabbinic nature. The reason that masturbation is forbidden is also debated, and for some poskim the underlying reason may impact the scope of the prohibition. Various reasons, many of which emerge from the Talmud’s discussion of this topic, include: masturbation is a form of destroying of potential life; it encourages lustful thoughts; it as a form of sex with oneself and not the bringing together of two bodies as “one flesh,” as sex is meant to do; and it diverts men from marriage or marital sex.{12}
The Talmud speaks in harsh terms regarding masturbation describing it as a sin “worthy of death,” although, it should be noted, in no harsher terms than it speaks of the sin of lashon ha’ra, evil speech.{13} Speaking lashon ha’ra is known by the Talmud to be a widespread, if not universal, phenomenon despite its prohibited nature, and, as is well known, the same is true for masturbation, and the pervasiveness of these violations might go a long way in explaining the extreme rhetoric that the Talmud chooses to use in both of these cases.
Later Kabbalistic texts are even harsher than the Talmud and describe masturbation in truly damning terms—as “murdering one’s own children”—and as a sin for which repentance is not possible,{14} although none of this has any basis within halakha.
The internalizing of this rhetoric can often lead to profound feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame for religious boys and men. Rabbis can be helpful in providing guidance and support for those struggling, validating the difficulties in keeping to these restrictions, acknowledging the near-ubiquitousness of the behavior, and putting this act in the proper halakhic perspective.
Jewish tradition also instructs men to avoid sexual thoughts about anyone other than their wives, primarily out of concern that such thoughts might lead to nocturnal emissions or masturbation, but sometimes they are considered inherently sinful or problematic.{15-16} As such, men are told to not look at women for sexual pleasure and to avoid any stimulus that could produce sexual thoughts.
In some ultra-Orthodox communities, avoidance of potentially sexual stimuli may be taken to such an extreme that men won’t even look directly at women or shake their hands and generally work to maintain single-sex environments at all times. A more moderate approach is to avoid only movies and images that are blatantly erotic, and to understand that what stimuli are considered to be sexually provocative depends on context and can be tempered by habituation.{17-19}
While pornography is clearly forbidden from the traditional Jewish perspective, there is a widespread understanding of its pervasiveness and the problem of pornography addiction, which many religious authorities will treat with sympathy and support rather than harshness. There are also therapeutic contexts which might justify its use according to some authorities.
These restrictions primarily lay on men, as the Talmud was mostly unconcerned with female sexual desire. In addition, the problem of masturbation focuses mostly on the “spilling of seed,” in other words, the wasting of a man’s semen. According to some authorities, there are no restrictions against a woman seeing sexual images or of masturbating,{20} although other authorities still warn against such behavior. Being excluded from these strictures can be freeing for some women, yet for others, the fact that the tradition does not recognize their sexuality can be an obstacle to their seeing themselves as sexual beings.
Modest Dress
Observant communities place great emphasis on modest dress, or “tzniut,” particularly for women. Some girls are even taught that this is their “special mitzvah.” This is a departure from the Talmudic discussions, which focus on men and on their obligation to not look sexually at women who are not their wives.{15, 21} It was only in the last few generations that this transformed into a woman’s obligation to dress in ways that protect her from the male sexual gaze.{22}
As now understood and practiced in the Orthodox community, tzniut focuses very concretely on women’s dress. Some take a more qualitative approach, focusing on dressing in a non-sexually provocative way. Most, however, tend to focus on very quantitative measures: skirts covering the knees, arms covered up to the elbows, and high necklines. In some communities, pants are categorically forbidden as a form of male clothing, while others only see tight fitting pants as problematic.
According to the Talmud, married women are required to cover their hair, although some poskim rule that this would not be required when societal norms are otherwise. Practices around this vary within the Modern Orthodox community.
When young women and girls are taught that it is their responsibility is to dress modestly to prevent boys and men from looking at them sexually and having sexual thoughts, they can often end up seeing themselves as potential stumbling blocks whose responsibility it is to hide their sexuality and men as sexual animals who cannot be trusted to control their own desires, which is unhealthy for all involved.
At its best, modesty, in dress and in general, is taught as an expression of positive values of self-respect and dignity. And as a larger religious-ethical concept, tzinut more properly refers neither to men’s gaze or women’s clothing, or to sexuality at all, but rather to comporting ourselves in the world with modesty and unpretentiousness.
Sex and Sexual Touch Before and Outside of Marriage
Jewish tradition prohibits premarital sex and sexual touching prior to marriage. While early authorities debate whether sex outside of marriage in a monogamous relationship is formally forbidden from a halakhic perspective{23}—some arguing that it even violates a Biblical prohibition—all agree that it runs counter to the Jewish ethos that the proper place for sex is within a binding a sanctified marital relationship{24}. Moreover, since unmarried women don’t immerse in mikveh, sex outside of marriage would inescapably violate Biblical niddah laws{25-26}.
Touch between a man and woman who are not married to one another is referred to colloquially as negiah. This term can be used to refer to sexual touch or casual touch, although these are treated very differently from a halakhic point-of-view.
Sexual touch between an unmarried man and woman, while of a less severe nature than actual intercourse, is clearly forbidden according to halakha. Authorities debate whether this prohibition is of a Biblical or rabbinic nature{27-28}.
When it comes to casual contact, there is a widespread perception that this, too, is rabbinically forbidden. For this reason, ultra-Orthodox men avoid even shaking hands with a woman, although some will make an exception when a woman extends her hand in order to avoid any potential embarrassment. In contrast, there are many poskim who rule that there is no actual prohibition of casual touch, and handshaking, hugging and the like is not uncommon in the Modern Orthodox community{29-32}.
Many young observant adults struggle with the restrictions around premarital sexual touch and activity. Some will label themselves as “not shomer negiah” (not observing the touch laws) as a way of acknowledging that they don’t adhere to these laws and permit themselves to engage in sexual touch and activity, although sometimes drawing the line at actual intercourse.
Such self-labeling serves, for some, as a form of compartmentalization, allowing them to affirm that they are fully observant in other realms and maintain their religious identities. This enables them to better deal with, or to bracket off completely, the guilt feelings that would naturally accompany behavior that is in violation of religious restrictions. It is worth noting that once married, observant couples will often be highly meticulous in observing the niddah laws as well other laws that relate to sex within marriage, regardless of their behavior prior to marriage.
Strict adherence to these laws can often be a factor in pushing observant people to marry young. In addition, men and women who are strictly shomer negiah will often enter marriage with no prior sexual experience or sexual repertoire, which, if left unacknowledged and unaddressed, could lead to problems of lack of sexual fulfilment, for either or both of the partners, especially if there is a culture of taboo and euphemism around talking about sex.
Seclusion in a Private Location (Yichud)
Jewish law prohibits “yichud” – a man and woman who are not married to each other being alone together in a private space. This serves as a safeguard against sexual impropriety, whether consensual or coercive. There are practical ways to address these situations, such as leaving doors unlocked, having your spouse know your whereabouts, or meeting in visible locations. Seeing a mental health therapist of the opposite sex in a private, closed room presents an exception for some authorities, due to mental health needs and with the assumption that the threat of legal and professional consequences would prevent any misbehavior.
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