Translation by Rabbi Avi Schwartz, introduction by Rabbi Dov Linzer
Rav Binyamin Yehoshua Zilber zt”l was a major Haredi posek of the previous generation. He studied in Brisk and at a satellite yeshiva of Novardok in his youth, eventually making aliyah to become one of the first students at Yeshivat Beit Yosef-Novardok in Bene Brak. There, he became close to the Hazon Ish, eventually rising to the Council of Torah Sages of Agudat Yisrael. Rav Zilber was the author of dozens of books on halakhah and mussar, including 14 volumes of responsa titled Az Nedabru.
This teshuva (Responsa Az Nedabru 7: 66) deals with one of the details of the laws of asking of mehilah, forgiveness. As Rav Zilber makes clear, the requirement that one ask forgiveness of wrongs done to another person, transgressions of mitzvot sheben adam le’haveiro, is absolutely essential. But what about a case when the person doesn’t even know that they’ve been wronged and sharing this information, in the telling of the wrong that you have done to them, will cause them pain and embarrassment? Should or may one ask for forgiveness in such a case?
Rav Zilber begins with a famous debate between Rav Yisrael Salanter and the Chafetz Chaim on this topic. The Chafetz Chaim had ruled that one musk ask forgiveness in such a case, to which Rav Yisrael Salanter responded that a person’s desire to be forgiven can never serve as the basis to permit the inflicting of pain on someone else. In his ongoing discussion, Rav Zilber takes Rav Yisrael Salanter’s position as the obviously correct one, and explains that even the Chafetz Chaim only required the asking of forgiveness when no new pain would result – either because the victim had already known that he had been wronged (but did not know who the perpetrator was), or because the request for forgiveness was sufficiently vague that it did not lead to any distress or embarrassment.
The lesson, to all of us, is clear. Yom Kippur is a time when we reflect on how our concern with our own interests, or focus on the things that are urgent or important to us, can sometimes lead to us not doing right be others – be they family members, friends, or even strangers on the street who are asking for assistance or drivers on the road that we are cutting off because we are in such a hurry to get to where we are going. The asking of forgiveness is an opportunity to acknowledge this and to shift our focus on the other. How much more so, then, that we need to take care that this process itself does not become one that is overly focused on ourselves. First and foremost, we cannot let our asking for forgiveness cause pain to another. But beyond that, we have to make sure that this process – how we approach our friend, what we say, what we are trying to accomplish – is not primarily about our needs and our guilt, but about our friend, how they are feeling, and what it is that they most need from us.
May the coming Yom Kippur bring forgiveness and a clean slate to all of us, and may it be a year that we strive to bring this heightened focus on the other into all of our interactions and everything that we do.
!גמר חתימה טובה
| מכתבך עם שאלות הנוגעים למעשה נתקבל בברכה ומפני הטרדה לע”ע אני משיב רק על אחדים אודות בקשת המחילה אם ידע שע”י בקשת המחילה יצטרך לפרט החטא ויגרום בושה ועגמ”נ להשני אם יש היתר שלא לבקש מחילה. ומה שכ’ הזכיר שכאילו ר’ ישראל פוסק להיפך מהמ”ב אינו מדוקדק. שהרי המ”ב אינו מחדש כאן חומרא, להיפך מכריע לקולא, שא”צ לפרט החטא. ובקשת המחילה על בין אדם לחבירו זה ש”ס ופוסקים ולא רק מהמ”ב אלא שיש לומר שכ”ז כשמפורסם אצל חבירו מה שחטא כנגדו וע”י בקשת המחילה אינו גורם בושה ועגמ”נ לחבירו, ואם חברו אינו יודע באתה חטא חטא כנגדו ע”ז דנו האחרונים והמ”ב, אבל כשאינו יודע כלל שחטא כנגדו וע”י שיודיעו יגרום בושה לחברו, ע”ז אינו דן המ”ב. אמנם הדבר מקובל בקשר להספר ח”ח על לה”ר שהביא את זה לר’ ישראל וביקש ממנו להשאיר אצלו ולאחר כן אמר לו ר’ ישראל הנך קובע בחבורך כי מי שספר לה”ר על חבירו חייב לפייס ולבקש מחילתו. אינני מבין איפוא אם רצונך לחזור בתשובה איך יורשה לך לצער את חברך? וענה לו הח”ח שהסתמך על רבינו יונה בשע”ת והוא בספרו ח”ח כלל י’ סעיף “ב דכחב וז”ל אבל אם חבירו נתגנה עי”ז הרי הוא ככל עונות שבין אדם לחבירו שאפילו יוה”כ ויום המיתה אין מכפר עד שירצה את חבירו ואפ’ אם חבירו אינו יודע עדיין כלל מזה צריך לגלות לו מה שעשה כנגדו ולבקש ממנו ע”ז כיון שעל ידו נסבב לו דבר זה עכ”ד. ודבריו נובעין מדברי ר”י בשע”ת מאמר ר”ז ושם בשע”ת לא בא לפרש הפרטים של דיני מחילה ומקומו בסוף שער ד’ ושם סתם הדברים ור”ל דשם בא לומר בעיקר חומר של לה”ר דקשה לתקן החטא שיתבייש לגלות אח אזנם. אבל אם למעשה מותר לגלות אף שיתבייש מנ”ל זה. והנה המדובר שם בח”ח שכבר נסבב רעה או צער לחבירו דאם יש לחוש שרק ברצות הזמן יגרם עי”ז היזק או צער נשאר שם בבמ”ח בצ”ע וא”כ המדובר שכבר ידוע לו שסיפרו עליו וכבר נגרם לו הצער אבל א”י ע”י מי אבל הגע בעצמך אם אחד סיפר על חבירו לה”ר שלא נגרם לו היזק שם ובושה רק אם היה נודע לו היה לו מזה צער ולולא בקשת המחילה לעולם לא הי’ נודע לו ועכשיו ע”י בקשת המחילה נתברר לו שסיפרו לו ונגרם לו עי”ז צער, לכאורה פשוט כמו שאמר הגאון והקדוש רבי ישראל זצ”ל דא”צ לבקש ממנו מחילה ותורת אמת היתה בפיהו כי מלאך ד’ צבקות הוא. ולאחר העיון שם בח”ח כמדומה לי שגם הח”ח מודה בזה ואין כאן פלוגתא ואין לזה סתירה מהשע”ת ובספר מועדים וזמנים (ח”א סימן נד) ראיתי נוסחא אחרת בשם הגר”א דסלר זצ”ל ששמע בשם הגאון והצדיק רי”ס זצ”ל שאין זה קשר להח”ח כלל על דרך שביארנו, ומסיק: וע”כ דעת רי”ס זצ”ל שכה”ג ראוי לסתום כשמבקש מחילה שאם פגם מבקש על הכל סליחה ודי בכך ועיי”ש שמבאר בזה בטטו”ד הא דנפסק בסימן תר”ו החיוב של בקשת מתילה בעיוהכ”פ דאז לא יצטער כיון שכולם מבקשי מחילה על ספק נדנוד פגם ובכל האמור אני חושב שכבר יש פתרון לספקותיו למעשה מה שמעיק עליו. ונראה עיקר כמוש”כ קודם דבכה”ג שעדיין לא נגרם צער והיזק לחבירו וע”י שיבקש ממנו מחילה יגרם לו עכשיו צער שפטור לגמרי מבקשת המחילה אבל היכא שכן נגרם לו צער או היזק בזה מספיק בקשת המחילה סתם בעיוהכ”פ כמבואר בס’ הנ”ל בשם הגר”א דסלר בשם רי”ס. ולכאורה דמה שמבואר בס’ הנ”ל אין זה חידוש כלל שזה כבר מבואר במ”ב שא”צ לפרט החטא אם יודעים שיתבייש אם יפרט החטא אבל יש חילוק דבמ”ב מבואר רק להקל בפירוט החטא אבל צריך לבקש מחילה בלשון שמתוודה שחטא כנגדו אבל בהנ”ל מבואר שגם בקשת המחילה יכול לסתום ולומר בלשון ספק שאס פגם מבקש על הכל מחילה (ועיי”ש בס’ הנ”ל בהערה בא”א) | I received your questions, but because of my other obligations I am only able to answer a few of them. As to the matter of asking for forgiveness from someone when you know that the act of asking for forgiveness will require you to specify the sin and will cause shame and pain to the other, you asked whether it would be permitted to not ask for forgiveness. You mentioned that Rav Yisrael Salanter appears to rule against Mishnah Berurah, but this is not accurate. Mishnah Berurah does not introduce a new stringency (that you are required to ask forgiveness), rather he decides leniently that in such a situation one need not specify the sin that was done. The need to ask for forgiveness on an interpersonal sin is stated in Shas and Poskim, it is not just the position of Mishnah Berurah. Now, one could say that the requirement in the Talmud to ask for forgiveness refers only to (1) a case when your friend knows what you did to them, and no emotional distress will come to them as a result of asking for forgiveness. However, when (2) your friend knows that you sinned against them, but does not know the specific thing that you did – this is the matter that the later authorities, including Mishnah Berurah, discuss. In contrast, what is not discussed by Mishnah Berurah is (3) a case where your friend has no idea that you have sinned against him, and by informing him of this you will cause him embarrassment. Indeed, there is a tradition about the book Hafetz Hayyim on the laws of lashon harah. It is said that the author (R. Yisrael Meir Kagan, author of Mishnah Berurah) brought it to Rav Yisrael Salanter and asked if he could leave the copy with him. After reviewing it, Rav Yisrael said to him, “Look, you conclude in your book that one who speaks gossip about their friend has to appease them and ask forgiveness. I don’t understand how, just because one wants to repent for this sin, it can possibly be permitted for him to cause their friend pain in this way?” The Hafetz Hayyim responded that he was basing himself on Rabbenu Yonah in Sha’arei Teshuva. It appears in his book Hafetz Hayyim 4:12, where he writes: “If one’s fellow has been disgraced as a result of the slander that one spread, then this is treated like any other interpersonal sin that even Yom Kippur and the day of one’s death do not suffice to atone for it, unless one has sought forgiveness from one’s fellow. Even if one’s fellow doesn’t know about it at all, he must tell them what he did against him, and then ask for forgiveness, since it was through his actions that his fellow has been harmed in this way.” His position is based on Rabbenu Yonah in Sha’arei Teshuva, sec.. 207. In Sha’arei Teshuva, the author doesn’t get into the particulars of the rules of forgiveness, which is discussed at the end of part 4. Instead, he speaks generally about the seriousness of gossip and the difficulty involved in rectifying this sin, as a person will likely be ashamed to inform his friend of what he has done. However, it is not clear where he (Hafetz Hayyim) derives the idea that one is permitted to reveal what one did to his friend, even when one’s friend would be embarrassed as a result. In Hafetz Hayyim, the discussion is concerned with a case where one has already caused some pain to one’s fellow. What one should do when there is concern that harm will only come in the fullness of time, he leaves unresolved. But it is clear that his position applies when some harm has been caused, and the victim just doesn’t know who did it. Consider for yourself: If a person shared some gossip about their friend, never causing them any harm, and would only cause them pain by telling them about it, it would appear entirely obvious that Rav Yisrael is right that one need not ask forgiveness for this. And indeed, true Torah was in his mouth, for he is an angel of the Lord of Hosts. After studying Hafetz Hayyim closely, I believe he doesn’t disagree, nor is there any contradiction from Sha’arei Teshuva. In the book Mo’adim Uzmanim 1:54, I saw a different version of this story cited in the name of Rav Eliyahu Dessler zt”l. He had heard in the name of Rav Yisrael Salanter (without any connection to the Hafetz Hayyim) the same idea I developed above. He concludes: “Rav Yisrael Salanter’s opinion is that in such a situation, it is better to speak in general terms when asking for forgiveness, lest one cause further harm.” See further there his clear and well-founded explanation for the practice of asking for forgiveness on Erev Yom Kippur, for in that context when everyone is asking for forgiveness, there is no concern of causing further harm. I think that there is a clear resolution to be found, then, regarding all the foregoing. The basic idea is as I wrote above: When no harm has yet been caused, and only by asking for forgiveness would one cause such harm, then one is exempt from asking for forgiveness. However, if there has been some pain or harm, it is sufficient to ask for forgiveness in general terms on Erev Yom Kippur, as explained in the cited book in the name of Rav Dessler and Rav Yisrael Salanter. [Additionally], it would appear that this explanation in Mo’adim Uzmanim is actually not novel. It is already explicit in Mishnah Berurah that one need not detail the sin if one knows that this would shame the person being asked for forgiveness. There is, however, a distinction between the two – Mishnah Berurah is only lenient about the level of detail. He still requires one to ask for forgiveness by confessing a sin. According to Mo’adim Uzmanim, one could be even more general in asking for forgiveness, using contingent language, e.g. “If I have harmed you, please forgive me.” |
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Rabbi Avram Schwartz learned at Yeshivat Hahesder Yerucham in Israel and received semikha from Yeshivat Chovevei Torah Rabbinical School in 2017. He and his wife Britany live in Richmond, VA.
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